Friday 25 November 2011

Best Bud - a short film



You can check out my self-funded short film Best Bud, a UK/Canada co-production between myself and Jacob Rutka, via this link:






It's one man's blackly comic journey into the realisation that his best bud may, in fact, be his worst enemy.






















Cast

Sean – George Weightman 
Shirley – Stacey Victoria Bland
Boss – Michael Bogojevic
Barman – Liam Mills 

Crew

Written/Produced/Directed by – Jonathan Last & Jacob Rutka
Story by – Jonathan Last
Director of Photography – Dominik Palgan
First Assistant Director – Mattthew Keats
Sound – Owen Spencer
Original music by – Michael Hyman
Edited by – Jonathan Last
Set design – Alison Matthews
Gaffter – Daniel Wombwell
Production Assistant – Daisy Baldry

Shot on location in London, England in July 2010.


Behind-the-scenes photos:


https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150211468010075.457777.821385074&type=1&l=95fa4d9ea0

Monday 21 November 2011

20 Rounds of Schwarzenegger vs Stallone (part two)



After a sweaty and brutal first half, the Austrian Oak was beating the Italian Stallion by two clear points.  But how will the result swing after the remaining ten rounds?  Let’s get red-eeeeeeee to… (etc.)


11. Twins (1988) vs Tango & Cash (1989)

As high concepts go, Twins’ is straight out of a script brainstorming meeting; they almost certainly came up with the poster before figuring out a story.  What we ended up with offers some decent laughs and is some of Arnie’s best acting work (ahem).  Tango & Cash, however, is definitely the superior buddy movie.  As rival L.A. cops forced to team up to clear their names after they’re both framed for murder by a malevolent villain (I’m excited about the film’s existence just writing that plot summary!), Stallone in glasses and a brash Kurt Russell play off each other superbly, with wisecrack following wisecrack all the way up to a wonderfully cheesy freeze-frame high-five ending.  Yeah!

Winner: Sly


12. Total Recall (1990) vs Rocky V (1990)

What do you get when you combine a Philip K. Dick story with Arnie, Paul Verhoeven, Alien co-creator Dan O’Bannon and a huge SFX budget?  You get Total Recall, a batshit-crazy heap of interplanetary identity crisis mayhem, a gleefully sleazy romp with the best ultra-violence this side of  Robocop and more bone-breaking than a Steven Seagal marathon.  The penultimate entry in Stallone’s boxing saga is less impressive – the least loved, it breaks the formula to focus on odious protégé Tommy Gunn and ended up killing the franchise for more than a decade.  Plus it lacks any three-breasted women.

Winner: Arnie


13. Kindergarten Cop (1990) vs Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)

You can understand why Schwarzenegger signed on for his first mega-flop, Last Action Hero (coming up below).  It wasn’t his fault that the pre-Scream audience wasn’t yet ready for postmodern genre dissection; hey, maybe Arnie was a visionary.  But there really is no excuse for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Well, maybe Sly thought… no, sorry, there’s nothing.  Kindergarten Cop’s tonal shifts from kiddie fare to gritty thriller do sometimes jar, but Arnold’s second teaming with director Ivan Reitman manages to mine its fish-out-of-water concept for sufficient laughs whilst keeping its star’s key audience happy and leaving his dignity intact.  That’s how it’s done, Sylvester – not by wearing a giant nappy.

Winner: Arnie


14. Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) vs Cliffhanger (1992)

And Schwarzenegger scores his second hat-trick of the game. T2 was never going to lose to anything, and needs no elaboration.  Oh alright: it manages to not only be compelling from start to finish, but competes in all manner of ‘best movie’ categories: sequel, sci-fi, action, special effects-led, Arnie starrer, James Cameron feature.  This particular result is, however, tainted somewhat, as I have a real soft spot for Cliffhanger.  John Lithgow is the best bad guy since Alan Rickman, there’s some wonderfully sadistic violence – often stylised in slo-mo to capture every last drop of blood on snow – and I will never forget the image of an upside-down Stallone in extreme close-up bellowing, “You’re not gonna diiiiiiie!”

Winner: Arnie


15. Last Action Hero (1993) vs Demolition Man (1993)

By 1993, Stallone had shown he was fallible with early efforts like F.I.S.T. and Paradise Alley failing to build on his Rocky success, not to mention later disasters Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot and Oscar. Arnie, however, was still on a seemingly never-ending winning streak. Last Action Hero ended it.  The movie may be a total mess, but it’s not as bad as history would have us believe, a lot of its turkey status coming from its failure in comparison to summer box office behemoth Jurassic Park.  Demolition Man is a much more straightforward far-fetched romp – pacey, vaguely satirical, and featuring one of  Sly’s  best one-liners: “You’re gonna regret that for the rest of your life – both seconds of it!”

Winner: Sly



16. True Lies (1994) vs The Specialist (1994)

Safe territory for Schwarzenegger, getting over his disappointment from the previous year by re-teaming with James Cameron for what turned out to be each man’s final successful contribution to the action genre. The Specialist features a bored-looking Sly moping around Miami and occasionally shagging Sharon Stone (it’s an ‘erotic thriller’).  Its only redeemable features are James Woods in full-on sleaze mode and Rod Steiger’s wobbly Cuban accent.


Winner: Arnie


17. Junior (1994) vs Judge Dredd (1995)

Arnie pregnant?  A concept that’s just too high, I’m afraid.  Excessive time is spent with Emma Thompson’s clumsy doctor falling over (groan), Arnie saying things like “My nipples are so sensitive” (yeech), and the disturbing sight of the Terminator going all Mrs Doubtfire in old lady drag (yikes!).  It pains me to announce Judge Dredd as the winner of anything, but here we are.  The best I can say is that it’s an undemanding watch, the lovely Diane Lane co-stars, and Rob Schneider isn’t in every scene.  Oh, and it’s better than Junior.


Winner: Sly


18. Eraser (1996) vs Assassins (1996)

Both these flicks offered evidence of a star entering his career decline. Eraser saw Arnie desperately try to play on the audience’s nostalgia for his heyday by headlining the most 80s movie not to have been made during that decade.  Sly tried a different tact, clutching onto the trajectory of up-and-coming star Antonio Banderas and riding in his slipstream.  A tough one to call, but Eraser edges it for being more fun and featuring some memorable absurdity: Arnie jumping out of a plane without a parachute; James Caan in snivelling overdrive; and the line “You’re luggage!” after our man shoots an alligator.

Winner: Arnie


19. Batman & Robin (1997) vs Daylight (1996)

It’s hard to imagine just what kind of unholy aberration wouldn’t beat legendary stinker Batman & Robin – apart from maybe Batman Forever.  A film that somehow manages to make George Clooney a charisma-free zone, and which put Arnie’s career well and truly in the cooler (sorry).  Daylight, on the other hand, is a perfectly serviceable entry to the mid-90s disaster movie revival.

Winner: Sly


20. End Of Days (1999) vs Copland (1997)

With the millennium looming, both men needed a genuine hit, and again both tried different tactics.  Arnie looked to the past once more, delivering hokum that wouldn’t have looked out of place ten years earlier (although they might have made the special effects look a bit less ropey back in the 80s’ pre-CGI haven).  But this time Sly came out the victor, by surrounding himself with solid thespian talent (De Niro, Keitel, Liotta) and trying to, y’know, actually act. And a bloody decent job he does, too.


Winner: Sly


Final score: 

Schwarzenegger: 11 – 9 Stallone.






So there you have it, indisputable proof that Arnie is more of an action icon than Sly. Now all we need is for him to get some more screen time in The Expendables 2, and for that movie to climax with the two legends facing off once and for all for real. We can only hope!

Monday 14 November 2011

Hard to Kill (1990)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, 
William Sadler, Frederick Coffin

Directed by: Bruce Malmuth

Written by: Steven McKay

Duration:  1hr 36mins

Rating: 3.5 out of 5




In part two of my look at key thespian of 20th century action cinema Steven Seagal I’m focusing on Hard to Kill, a title that on paper creates unreachable comparisons to Die Hard, released eighteen months earlier.  In practice, Seagal’s Mason Storm does have a difficultly perishing on par with John McClane, but the movie gives us enough barmy humour and bone-breaking action to stand out as an enjoyable experience of its own.  
NIFTILY DONE

We open in 1983 at a classic action movie location: the deserted dockyard at night. Ominous synth music plays on the soundtrack as a figure creeps out of the shadows, revealed as Seagal at exactly the moment his credit appears on screen – nice touch.  As in Above the Law he’s a cop, here doing surveillance on a dodgy deal between two groups of be-suited gentlemen.


Sleazy senator Vernon Trent (William Sadler) openly admits to planning a hit, giving Storm the sound bite he needs.  Job done, he heads home, but not before stopping off at his local liquor store to pick up some champagne with which to celebrate cracking the case.


THOSE MARATHON RUNNING PLANS
WILL HAVE TO BE PUT ON HOLD

But he’s soon cracking something else – skulls!  A gang of robbers choose the wrong 7/11 to hold up, and soon find themselves in a bleeding heap on the floor, including one snapped ankle (so that’s our first mark on the broken bones chart).  All throughout this evening there have been references to it being the night of the Academy Awards ceremony, and when his colleagues turn up to haul away the perps, one quips, “Looks like you won the Oscar tonight, Storm!” It’s hard to know whether this is meant as an ironic comment on Seagal’s acting ability; I’m not sure how into self-deprecation our Steve is.  Regardless, the Oscar stuff is a random and completely irrelevant addition – and off the wall details like that are always welcome in brainless action flicks, as far as I’m concerned.


So finally Storm pulls up at home, eager to round off a perfect evening of solid detective work and spontaneous violence with a good old romp in the sack. His pouting, negligée-wearing wife greets him and upstairs they go, but first our hero checks on his adolescent son, prompting an unexpectedly long scene of tucking in and saying prayers.  So this guy’s a model father, too, as well as devoted husband, fine law enforcement officer and aikido badass. Hmm, I think I’ve just answered that self-deprecation question.


SADLY THAT'S THE LAST PONYTAIL SHE'LL EVER TUG ON

This harmony can’t last for long, of course.  One minute Mrs. Storm is telling her husband she loves him and tenderly pulling on his ponytail (no joke), the next three shotgun wielding burglars are in the marital bedroom blasting the shit out of them both.  She’s pretty easy to kill, but Steven being Steven takes three or four blasts to the chests and is still able to land a few blows and even break one assailant’s wrist (that’s mark two).  Mason Jr. escapes out the window, and the bad guys leave pops for dead. “Get the tape,” the leader growls, so obviously someone really wants that dockside recording. 

Cut to the hospital, and Storm is pronounced D.O.A (cop dialogue: “Most unstoppable son of a bitch I ever knew.” “Yeah? Well, he got stopped tonight.”). So much for hard to… wait a sec, they’ve got a pulse! Mason’s only gone and ‘done a Jesus’.  In fact, the effect is exemplified when we cut to seven years down the line and find him lying in his hospital bed sporting a beard and long hair very reminiscent of our Lord and Saviour.  In Seagal we trust.


"WHAT D'YOU FANCY AFTER WE WRAP? CHINESE?"
"HMMM... HOW ABOUT THAI?"


Yes, it’s now 1990 and Mason Storm is waking up after a lengthy coma. During this time he’s been lucky enough to be looked after by Kelly LeBrock’s comely nurse.  Now, LeBrock and Seagal were married at the time of shooting, and the movie isn’t exactly shy about this fact.  Within five minutes, she’s referred to him as her ‘cutest patient’, alluded to the generous size of his genitals and, in one spit-take inducing moment, coos to his still prone form, “Would you like a little pussy?” before bringing a tiny kitten into the frame.


... I GUESS THE ANSWER WAS 'YES'
Storm’s barely had a chance to ask who the President is and check how his stocks are doing when a hit man rudely alters his physiotherapy routine by chasing him and LeBrock around the ward with a gun.  Patient and nurse escape, and safely hide away at her convenient country hideaway.

Cue a Mason-getting-back-in-shape montage, cross cut with memories of the life that was shattred seven years ago.  As well as weight-lifting and running up an actual mountain, his regime includes doing some nifty self-acupuncture and hitting a tree repeatedly with a stick, which I can respect.  Then Nurse Kelly interrupts Steve’s bench-pressing by coaxing him into sex by a fireplace that’s in the same room as the gym.  Well, why go to the trouble of lighting two separate sets when you can simply combine them as one?

CINEMATOGRAPHERS APPLAUD

All in all, a bit too much time is spent on Storm’s rehabilitation when what we really want to see is his retribution.  But when it comes, it’s good, delivering the violence and one-liners that we turned up for in the first place.  Along the way, Seagal raises his bone-breaking tally to a respectable seven, gets hold of his signature Colt M1911 pistol, and says, "That’s for my wife – fuck you and die," after ramming a broken pool cue into a henchman’s neck. 

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE?"

Top of the food chain in Storm’s revenge rampage is Sadler’s oily Senator, and the best line is saved for him. Throughout the movie, Sadler’s catchphrase has been: ‘...and you can take that to the bank.’  When Storm finally realises that the bent politician was behind that fateful night in '83, he utters the following: "I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator.  The blood bank!”  Sublime.  ***1/2


Tuesday 8 November 2011

The Hangover Part II (2011)

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, 
Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong

Directed by: Todd Phillips

Written by: Todd Phillips, 
Scot Armstrong, Craig Mazin 

Duration:  1hr 42mins

Rating: 2 out of 5

AND AT LEAST THEY HAD THE
DECENCY TO ADD TIM CURRY



Like many people, I went to see The Hangover in 2009 and had a great time.  Then I caught it again on DVD, and found it significantly less funny.  Still an original idea well executed, but definitely not the comedy masterpiece its reputation would have you believe.

Fast forward two years, and after sitting through the dreadful Hangover Part II I left the cinema with no intention of even granting it a second viewing.

It’s the most shamelessly fast-tracked, flat-packed sequel since Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and the most blatant excuse for a cast and crew to have a paid exotic holiday since Ocean’s Twelve.


When it comes to sequels, the best follow a successful formula to give us more of what we liked before whilst still moving the story and characters on – the first two Terminators and the Ghostbusters films spring to mind.

NO WAIT, IT IS DIFFERENT:  I FORGOT
ABOUT GALIFIANAKIS'  SHAVED HEAD

Others, like the specimen we have here, are just lazy cash-ins.  The screenplay is a real  find/replace affair: Vegas/Bangkok; groom/bride’s brother; baby/monkey; missing tooth/tattoo; prostitute/transvestite stripper.  That’s when it’s not just copying the story beats from the original wholesale: Phil's ‘I’m sorry’ phone call opening; Alan drugging the group; the final act sequence of high speed chase to wedding, followed by Stu finally standing up for himself, followed by the group looking over dodgy photos from the night before,


JUSTIN BARTHA: MIFFED TO WIN THE AWARD FOR
"MOST REDUNDANT SEQUEL RETURN OF ALL TIME"

None of this would be a problem if there were some funny jokes, but there aren't. Instead it just tenuously rolls out Mr. Chow again so Ken Jeong can do his same old zany shtick, and relies on predictable crudity and racial stereotypes with no wit or imagination (they’re in Bangkok… how long before a ladyboy gag? Yawn).  Worse still is the pace: a race-against-time film like this needs some urgency and sense of momentum, but the film feels bleary and sluggish  the kind of hangover where you don’t want to get out of bed, not the energetic and exasperatingly funny type that the first movie managed to nail in its strongest moments.  In fact at times The Hangover Part II is actually pretty boring, lumbering as it does from one contrived scene to the next.  And you know you’re in trouble when having Paul Giamatti turn up in your movie actually makes it worse.



Bradley Cooper delivers his usual asshole screen persona, Ed Helms is the wimpy one again, and as for Zach Galifianakis… why are we supposed to like this Alan character?  Because he’s petulant and childish?  Because he’s fat and has a beard?  Because he uses the word ‘retard’, and improbably pronounces it wrong?  It’s a mystery to me.


"WE HAD A SICK NIGHT, BITCHES!"



Dubbing the movie ‘part two’ is one of Todd Phillips and company's worst crimes – if they'd called it The Hangover Again (or rather, Hungover Again), then all concerned could have made a joke out of it being exactly the same as the first one, the same shit happening to the same guys twice. Then maybe, maybe it could have worked in a self-aware, so-bad-it’s-good way.  As it stands, I feel cheated by all concerned, and in my mind Phillips has relegated himself from a serious challenger to Judd Apatow to nothing but a cynical hack.  When the inevitable third entry lurches around, I don't reckon I'll bother with it at all.  **1/2

Friday 4 November 2011

Teaching with Chopsticks: TEFL from the Frontline



My debut book Teaching with Chopsticks: TEFL from the Frontline is out now! 

I spent a year teaching English as a foreign language (TEFL) in South Korea and decided to turn my journal into an autobiograpghical novel.  Several drafts later and here it is. It's funny, it's heartfelt, it's got a bit where I watch two naked men lathering each other with soap suds. What more could you want?  

You can find links to purchase it as an e-book under 'Buy & download from' here on E-Books Publisher's website:
  

 http://e-bookspublisher.com/authors_detail.php?id=965

Tuesday 1 November 2011

The Beaver (2011)

Starring: Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster, 
Anton Yelchin, Jennifer Lawrence 


Directed by: Jodie Foster

Written by: Kyle Killen

Duration: 1hr 31mins

Rating: 4 out of 5



Wanna rent a movie tonight?  Great, what do you fancy?  Oh look, how about this offbeat comedy about depression?  No?  Wait, where you going…?


SPOT THE DIFFERENCE...?

The Beaver was at different times a star vehicle for both Jim Carrey and Steve Carell, and it’s easy to see how it would have been a different beast with either funnyman as the lead.  No doubt light-hearted schizophrenic hand puppet antics would have come to the forefront, and soul-crushing desperation would have featured fleetingly, if at all. 

Enter Mel Gibson.  Now the script – one of the hottest in Hollywood, featured on its infamous Black List of best unproduced screenplays – was fated to take on a fiction-meets-reality status not seen since Mr & Mrs Smith merrily surfed the wave of Brangelina hysteria in 2005.  But the furore surrounding Gibson’s 2010 meltdown (racism, domestic abuse, leaked abusive answer machine messages) didn’t do Jodie Foster’s film any good and it suffered from a delayed and ultimately limited release.  Which is a real shame, as it’s an interesting oddity that deserves to be appreciated by a wider audience.

MEL HAS A RUDE AWAKENING

The fall-from-grace parallels mean that The Beaver’s story of a man who goes to the brink and claws his way back can’t help but be laced with irony.  Though it was filmed back in 2009 before any of the furore, it’s impossible to watch the movie without seeing Mel Gibson the man and not Walter Black the character.  But it remains a tortured and committed performance, superb irrespective of the meta element, and it made me bemoan how Mel has spent most of the last decade on the other side of the camera.  The amalgamation of star and material brings to mind Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, and if he could get an Oscar nomination for that then, in a just world, Mel’s turn here would have gained the same recognition and subsequent catharsis.  As it stands, People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 1985 still has a long way to crawl to get public acceptance back.  

A CAREER IN CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT SURELY BECKONS
Rooting through a dumpster at the end of another day of misery and despair, toy company head Walter finds a beaver hand puppet and blearily takes it with him to a motel, where he plans to finally end it all.  His suicide attempt fails, and as he lies prone on the floor, finally at rock bottom, he starts addressing himself through the puppet, a gruff and direct character named ‘the Beaver’, who tells him to get his act together (the fact that the Beaver talks with a thick Aussie accent adds another layer of meaning, since we could easily see this as Mel’s id coming through.  It would be interesting to know if this was a script decision, arose from Jodie Foster’s direction or was actually inspiration from Gibson himself).  From then on he will only communicate through his felt friend, and the psychological distance allows Walter to reclaim some self-respect, turn his ailing company around, and go some way to reconnecting with his wife (Foster) and sons (Anton Yelchin and Riley Thomas Stewart). 

I applaud the film for its sensitive handling of mental illness.  This isn’t an Awakenings-style weepie, or the flat out farce that you would have expected from Messers Carrey or Carell.  The candid insight into the pain and loneliness of depression and the inherent funniness of the movie’s concept combine to create a measured, thoughtful tone.  Walter’s unconventional redemption gives the film a streak of gallows humour that means it never becomes grim or preachy: the failed suicide is played for dark laughs; Walter’s toy company makes its comeback by selling Beaver products; and the simple sight of man and puppet furiously arguing is hilariously absurd.

"YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY? WALKING AROUND
EVERY DAY MISERABLE IS CRAZY... 

CRAZY IS PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY"



One blot is that nearly equal attention is devoted to Yelchin and Jennifer Lawrence’s dull teenage subplot.  The running time is slight in the first place, and since his reappearance on screen turned out to be such an unexpected treat, we could have done with more Mel for our money. Nevertheless, The Beaver remains an original, funny, and ultimately quite moving experience.  ****